The Rebels Of The Rebel Scene

the light that shone through my painful darkness
was a blinding vision of your eternal smile

So I have The Little Rascals: Varieties on right now because I need some background noise for my paper...and I forgot just how much I LOVE them<3

I think the puppylove between Darla and Alfalfa is ADORABLE. Especially when Darla sings.
Alfalfa is the original emo kid. I love how he is such a romantic; he's singing, "I'm throuuuugh with looooove" right now. SO ADORABLE.

kay now to get back to my paper...

I'm a jump start, I'm a sweetheart, I'm the lost part to your work of art.

I'm the whispering wind, I'm an original sin, I'm the hungry grin where it all begins.

I'm your tombstone, I'm an unknown, I'm the dark throne in your empty home.

I'm your crushing debt, I'm your winning bet, I'm that last 'rette as the sun sets.

I'm a lucid dream, I'm a primal scream, I'm the sewer steam in a ghetto scene.

I'm a dying nation, I'm your first creation, I'm the inspiration of your Last Revelation.

I'm an empty bowl, I'm a theiving troll, I'm the missing hole in your lonely soul.

I'm all that's true, I'm every clue, I'm all of you, and all you do.

I don't get mad often, and it's VERY hard to get me angry in the first place because I'm a very tolerant and patient person. Actually, the more I care about the person, the easier it is for them to make me mad just because I put so much trust and faith in them to begin with.

What's kind of funny is that even though I can be incredibly pissed off at someone, it doesn't take much for me to forgive and move on either.

Point of that story? What I've been ranting about in the last 3 posts has been pretty much reconciled. I'm happier about that, because I don't like losing friends.

I don't think that it's possible for us to NOT be friends anyway. No matter what we've always ended up being able to talk it out. I like that.

Anyways, I saw GWAR for the 9th time last night and it was INCREDIBLE! James V decided last minute to actually buy a ticket because he needed to go to a show by monday to write a paper on for his music class...and apparently I am very convincing when I am drunk so he gave in!

There were a couple of problems before we left...it was hailing, and my car would NOT move at all. The tires just spun a lot. Steph and I were trying to catch the 1.40 train, and I was supposed to pick her up and print out the tickets on campus at 12.45...It took me 15 minutes to get my car back into its parking space...so I got my printer to work so I could print at home while Steph finished getting ready and cleaned off her car.

Of course, we got to the train station just as the train was pulling out, but that meant we also had time to grab food, so Steph and I each got a kinish, and split a tuna sammich. best. idea. ever.

So we made the 2.40 train, and when we are nearly to the city I realize that I had TWO OF THE SAME TICKET! and it wouldn't have been as bad if I hadn't forgotten my usb cable for my phone (i had the tickets saved on the memory card)...so once we got to the city and met up with James we had to go to tourist services to find out where there was an internet/printing place. We got the address for Fed Ex/Kinkos...but when we got off the subway decided tojust go into Office Max and try our luck there...and it worked! They had a computer for us to use and we printed out the real tickets.

We stopped by Wendy's after that because James was starving, and I was getting hungry again too...plus the thought of a spicy chicken sammich was way too appealing. So we were eating our food and this family sat down next to us...a young hot topic goth hillbilly family, pretty much... and the parents kept making out, while like, holding their ketchup tubs in their hands and in between bites; it was actually very nauseating haha. So, James and I were talking when all of a sudden I see out of hte corner of my eye the father put a french fry in his mouth, and the mother leans over hte table to bite the other end (and, unfortunately, it was a long french fry) and looked on in horror (because it was one of those thingsyou just couldn't look away from no matter how hard you tried), as they slowly bit their way to the middle for a fry filled kiss.

well, after that....haha
we made our way to the venue and got there 15 minutes before doors...and there was a surprisingly small group of people there. I think that people were waiting longer to come since it was raining. We got in and checked our bags, and then carefully placed ourselves in a position by teh stage where we would be able to eventually get into the front row. I was in the 3rd row when we started out, and James and Steph were behind me, when all of a sudden ERIK APPEARED! I was so happy to see him 8) he was the one who really introduced us all to GWAR in teh first place, so it really isn't a gwar show without him. He introduced us to his girlfriend, and she was really nice, too.

One big disappointment was that when we ordered tickets, the website said Lamb Of God would be playing with GWAR...but it ended up being The REd Chord instead. I've seen that band way too many times, none willingly haha. Job for a Cowboy played next, and they had two good songs...but the good thing about them was that they were heavy enough for me to sneak my way into the front row against the barricade. I am just that awesome. James was right behind me, and Steph next to him. So we were all right there. Surprisingly, the crowd wasn't that rough at all, and we weren't even really squished until GWAR actaully started playing. The girls next to me ended up leaving the front row before anythignrough happened, which I found amusing.

So, a quick backstory-
The last time I saw GWAR at Irving Plaza, I was up front against the barricade when it broke. Luckily, I was towards the side so I ended up in front of the barricade by security where Beefcake and Flattus flirted with me the entire show.

I was talking to one of the security guards I recognized, and mentioned the barricade breaking.
He said that there was no way it was oging to happen again becuase they've reinforced it since...well...not even a minute into teh song, I feel the barricade pushing forwad, but the security guards are still holding it up...the second time it pushes forward, it snaps. As soon as I felt it moving I looked over at Steph and said, "get out. now." haha luckily she trusted me...

I pushed back against everyone as much as I could, but not everyone was smart enough to do that so there was just more and more added weight against the barrier and security couldn't keep it from falilng...and so I ended up being crushed up against the barricade as it fell forward. Security guys were bracing themselves by putting a foot against the stage for leverage as they pushed back against the barrier to stop it from completely falling over...THREE TIMES I ended up at a 45 degree angle crushed against the barricade, my feet OFF THE GROUND. Let's just say after the 3rd time I decided that as much as I loved GWAR, I wasn't ready to end up in the hospital for them haha.

It was okay though, because Beefcake The Mighty saw me, as he always does, and blew me a little kiss and waved to me. So even though I didn't get a pic this time, (and failed my mission of getting Balsac The Jaws Of Death's pic), I got my recognition. ;) I've said it before and I'll say it again, GWAR LOVES ME.

So James and I decided to bail as soon as we got ourselves unstuck from teh crowd, and ended up chilling by the moshpits the entire show. I actually got thrown in a couple times (and threw myself in as well haha), and it was SO MUCH FUN. uggh I love metal shows.

So yeah, all in all, very interesting show ahha.
I have some bruises today, and my elbows got scraped from when the barricade fell, and all in all i'm just generally sore, but SUCH a fun night.

I love how "kill the messenger" came into play. I'm actually hoping that there is a different reason for this animosity, because otherwise everything my friends, our friends, and his friends have been telling me really is true about his character, and I've been wrongly defending all along; all of the advice everyone gave me was well merited, and I couldn't have realized it at a better time.

I never thought that I would feel relieved over something like this.
It's sad, but I guess something like this was bound to happen.



On another note, I fixed my doorknob with a hammer yesterday.
Steph and Bri were over trying to help because the knob wouldn't turn, and so my door was stuck open because it wouldn't close...so we took it apart, but couldn't get the knob out because the part inside that turns, wouldn't. So when we put it back together and Steph was on the phone with Bill, I went and got my hammer and hit the knob until the part that goes into the door was shoved inside...and somehow that fixed it! So the knob was able to turn again, and I got it out to replace it with a temporary doorknob until monday where I can actually go to the office and file a work order.
I'm so handy.


Today I'm going into the city with Steph and meeting up with Mister Veselovsky and Erik to see GWAR for the 9th time. I'm so excited 8) Although, kind of nervous because they are playing with Lamb Of God....so I might die a little. But it will be fun 8)
I really want a city hotdog!

The only thing I will ever regret is giving so many chances to begin with.
Good to know exactly what I left behind.

people are fucking disgusting.
FUCKING disgusting.

I hate fucking PSYCHOPATHIC GIRLS who try to start shit with their ex's just to piss off the current girlfriend, AND THEN RUN AWAY WHEN SHE REALIZES THAT THE GIRL SHE IS FUCKING WITH ISN'T A FUCKING PUSSY.

and other people who just can't let someone else be happy...why fucking lie and manipulate and hurt other people just because you can't fucking let go? why hurt the person you supposedly love and then fuck them over time and time again?

and otehr people, who LEADS SOMEONE ON AND GIVES THEM HOPE even though YOU HAVE NO FEELINGS FOR HER AND NEVER HAVE AND HAVE ADMITTED TO USING HER; you let them believe there is a glimmer of a chance WHEN IN REALITY IT MEANS FUCKING NOTHING AND NEVER HAS, or so that's what has been said to everyone ELSE about that situation(and I'm NOT talking about myself for THIS one folks...)

why tell someone that you love them so fucking much, then DO SOMETHING THAT HURTS THEM TIME AND TIME FUCKING AGAIN and then accuse THEM of not caring, when in reality? who would fucking PUT UP WITH THAT FUCKING PSYCHOTIC SHIT IF THEY DIDN'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOU? ARE YOU A MORON? apparently. you have no fucking IDEA what you have and what great person you are FUCKING OVER BECUASE YOU ARE TOO SELFISH TO GIVE A FUCK. you don't want to ruin what you have? FUCKING GROW THE FUCK UP AND STOP BEING A SELFISH CUNT.

AND (this one is for me) deny something to my face, then admit to someone else it happened, KNOWING that it is going to get around because, "you can't keep a secret when it never was a secret to start" AND if I can quote brand new again, "AT LEAST PRETEND YOU DIDN'T WANT TO GET CAUGHT" WHEN I've said time and time again that the reason why there is still drama is because OF THIS VERY REASON because someone can't keep their mouth shut and because everything that's been said is BECAUSE OF THAT SAME PERSON. DON'T YOU FUCKING REALIZE THIS BY NOW!? and don't fucking get mad at me because rumors are still being spread, and, also, apparently TRUTHS.

AND THEN GET MAD AT ME BECAUSE I HEAR ABOUT IT? REALLY? YOU DID IT, NOT ME. i love being LIED TO MY FACE. saying "oh it's just another rumor" when said rumor is ADMITTED TO BEING TRUE. would have had no problem, thought it was actually QUITE funny after all I've been told about that situation...but I do NOT like being lied to.

But really, don't listen to me, because even though what i have been saying about that situation has been making PERFECT SENSE...people LIE to get what they want, start shit when they DON'T get it, and spread rumors to GAIN SOMETHING FOR THEMESELVES, NOT TO SET THEMSELVES UP. but no, don't listen to my logic, go ahead, continue to put your trust in teh wrong places, carry on, REALLY!? and then wonder why there is STILL drama.

love how people are telling me "just talk, give one more chance" when THAT'S WHAT I WAS DOING IN THE FIRST PLACE AND IT WAS THE OTHER PERSON'S DECISION TO STOP. when, if i was wanted, i would be there, but I'M NOT, so THAT'S why i'm not there. and i was VERY clear with what i wanted. So don't say otherwise. Don't keep telling ME to fix things that DON'T want to be fixed. there was the opportunity and IT WASN'T TAKEN, IT WAS DENIED and obv. no one knows the whole story.
and i'm sick of people telling me to do things that AREN'T WANTED.



I have NEVER been more done.
I've never been so disappointed in people as a whole.
I am done venting, I am going to bed.

Most nights lately





my bed just feels too big

http://www.newyorker.com/archive/2005/03/14/050314crbo_books1?currentPage=all

I love reading reviews like this by someone who clearly has not bothered to analyze, closely read, or even pay attention and note details ACCURATELY...never mind the fact that the review in general contains far too many irrelevant summarizations. If this person were to have actually THOUGHT ABOUT the text, everything Foer did in the novel makes perfect sense and fits together like a puzzle...a puzzle YOU HAVE TO TRY TO FIGURE OUT...hence, the fragmented narration, the codes, the pictures...

I mean, everyone is entitled to their own opinions...but at least when you write a review for THE NEW YORKER, don't make mistakes and bullshit a review! He called Oskar's pet, Buckminster, a DOG, when it's stated quite a few times that Buckminster is a cat...and this is information that shouldn't be mixed up because you need to know that Buckminster is a CAT for some other parts of the novel that develop oskar's character! I feel like this person didn't even READ the entire novel.

Ughh. of course instead of actually trying to figure out the parts of the novel that were confusing and supposed to make you think, this person would complain about it in a review.

Good job.

God forbid someone THINK about a piece of literature.

( Entry behind cut )


I’ve heard stories through silence and we laugh at the end
and declare that today was the best day we lived
but the end of the night draws a calm to the dark
where I dream you exist in the places you aren’t

I’m cold inside
and these pictures can’t even explain what’s missing in my life.
The coldest of calendars I couldn’t have it any better
Half the time I am alive just to see your smile

I’m cold inside
I’m cold inside

Someday you will understand
It just takes a little time

There’s a letter here waiting to go in the mail
In my head its all there but I’m not quite prepared to fade away
Don’t fade away
Somehow I’ll try to do this right

I’ve seen nights without sleep
Days without daylight
These memories I keep won't keep me warm at night
The coldest part is the heart that we share
It's breaking apart and you’re not even here
To say things will get better
So freezing out blanket my discontent 'til I sleep again.


I’m saving a story that won’t begin til you’re there

So...Brothers is a really good...but horribly upsetting movie
and now I can't sleep because of it 8(



hahaha
ohhh nights like these I hate that I live alone.
At least my cat loves snuggling<3

I definitely have a lot to do this week.

I have been kinda slipping on my to-do list, and right now I could be tackling some of the things on there...but I am too hungry and I want eggs, but I'm too lazy to make them. So I guess this is more procrastination? hmm.

Well, I still haven't heard back from my adviser so i am just going to track him down during his office hours tomorrow (thank goodness I am not working). I really need to get my schedule for next semester. As it is, I can ONLY take two classes, which SUCKS....but everything else but tuesday and thursday classes are filled. Kind of lame. At least I am transferring in 3 credits so I won't fall completely behind...but I definitely have to take a class or two over the summer if I can...

Also, I need to go to the eye doctor, because my vision is HORRIBLE and getting worse (I feel like) every day. Noooo good! At least my head hasn't been too bad though! I love being almost headache free 8) I've just been getting tiny ones, which I can deal with.

Sassy is doing fine, but we have to take her back to the vet on saturday for another checkup. I love her, but my apartment is so hard to manage now because every room has an animal living in it. It's awful hah. I can't wait until I can bring her back down to my gramma and have my bathroom back to normal...and hallway. She hasn't come out of hte carrier since last night, but I have been leaving the bathroom door open just in case.

And another thing I REALLY have to get on...I have to take my car to the body shop so they can fix my hood from when Stephanie hit a deer. Trish said she'd call her dad's friend, so I guess I'll talk toher about that today and maybe we can take it tomorrow to get an estimate...because I ALSO need an oil change...which can't be done until my hood is fixed.

Of course, I also have my 5-7 page final to work on...but that isn't due until the 15th so I feel like I have time to procrastinate on that hah.

At least the semester is coming to a close...because I really need the break. There has been so much going on lately, so much work, so much to do, so much confusion in general...

Last night especially. I am still trying to get used to this whole new arrangement...and when something like that happens, it just confuses me. Obviously, I see the situation differently, and I wasn't exactly sure what was expected of me last night...or today. What if I made the other decision? What would be happening right now?

Anyway....

I am just glad that I have such good friends up here. I really don't know what I would do without them. They've been making my life so much easier hah, they're there for me and support me and don't judge me. I am so glad I have them in my life.

AND another reason I can't wait for winter break? I will have time to make a visit to long island! I am really looking forward to that for a couple reasons.